i just wanna soil my oats bro
all we need is a shotglass and a helicopter.
Ask me how many people I've slept with. Because its changed since I last saw you.
I saw you 20 MINUTES AGO. You need to stop this.
I know I'm really high but I swear I just saw him beating off to his fantasy football roster.
Home. Barefoot. Drunk. Crying. Puked. Brushed teeth. Washed face. Dying. Need Cuddle.
You destroyed the landscape if my vagina FOREVER.
He gave me a trycicle he stole from a kid as an "offering" to have sex. I couldnt say no when he went through all that.
Was I holding a cat when you saw me? Because that was the height of that party for me.
When he pulled it out last night I asked if that was as hard as it was going to get. I think I may have offended him.
Look at the picture I MADE him take with me...like why??? He's holding my foot?
Needless to say, I woke up on the bathroom floor wearing the dress that my mom wore to the wedding. That open bar stole my soul.
Well, if it makes you feel any better I'll be drinking tequila and doing lines on Halloween. Just like old days.
Drunk me left sober me a shower beer in expectation of Hurricane Harvey. Drunk me is the best.
he tried to have the "are we in a relationship" chat last night. I stuck my fingers in my ears, yelled lalalalalala very loudly at him and told him I would stop having sex with him if he ever tried that conversation again. bad person, or just being a realist?
Our faces when the strip club was closed looked like the grinch just stole Christmas ☹️
Randomize
