The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
Classy? Dude, she fucked 3 guys as part of a scavenger hunt
And?
i would never do something against you youre the best i ever had
please tell me you did not just intentionally quote drake..
walked into the kitchen nd asked my mom what smells like tuna she replies" your sister" now i cant eat tuna...EVER!!!
She touched you, you're now contaminated for 48 hours. Please watch out for rashes, hives and STDs as she's known to have all three.
All she was asking was for you to describe your coat so she could get it, but you kept yelling at her so the security threw you out.
The bosnian sent me a sext with his dick next to a comcast remote. It went up to the "stop" button. Ironic and appropriate. Grab your remote and imagine it.
You've ruined television for me.
The nurse who basically saved my life just came into the store. Didn't recognize her. Awwwwkward.
My dick hurts from so many people grabbing it last night. We're not going back to that club
But wait then while giving his drive thru order he goes in mid sentence, "Hey baby it's Travis remember me?"
It's gotten to a point that when guys say "I'm gonna cum" I've developed a habit of responding "dooo itttt" in a deep voice. #isthatweird
Sunday mornings are confusing. Like. I can't decide if I want to go for a run or start drinking
drinks after work?
that question mark offends me.
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
You almost got us killed.
YOU’RE WELCOME FOR NAVIGATING YOU TO A ONCE IN A LIFETIME EXPERIENCE.
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