The night began with "let go home early so we can study for my 9am final" and ended with "show me your boobs for a free pack of gum".My breasts are worth 14 sticks for a dollar.
So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
you sent me 45 texts saying "meow?"
did i?
There's a skateboard on the patio and all the chips are gone. The note on the fridge says 'don't buy cheese'. Stop letting her go outside.
I let him fuck me in a batman costume. Don't talk to me about needing to read fifty shades gray.
Carving a pumpkin in a gay bar at 2am. How did my life get to be this way.
He always tells me he misses my clit. I feel like I should make a drinking game out of it
That is an awkward looking cockshot, not gonna lie
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
When one of my seniors asked "Rough night?" I realized my poor decisions involving Tuesday night drinking did not go unnoticed.
He should just accept that I want his dick and his friendship. Can't he understand that I don't do emotions?
So "I hate myself Mondays" has extended to Tuesday this week. I just had peanut butter and a glass of wine for lunch.
You puked on yourself, then demanded to take shower. In which you kept saying "its raining"
Just an fyi, you also tried to wrangle a peacock last night.
i'd like to schedule a penis for 4pm please.
Randomize
