we're at the bar and some girl dropped a bottle of burnettes strawberry vodka out of her purse and it broke.
i mean, if that's not class, then i don't know what is
I literally ate my thanksgiving dinner while getting a lapdance. And honestly, after that, there is no other way.
She had been watching Bad Girls Club where the annoying girl always says "I RUN L.A.". After she got wasted she kept going up to strangers at the bar yelling "I RUN FAYETTEVILLE." I peed in her drink.
i DID NOT walk around with my knees bent and my hands behind my back with long spandex and underarmour pretending to be Apollo Ono
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I'm pretty sure my penis yawned halfway through. That loose.
I think it was the chocolate body paint and awesome blowjob that finally made us official.
The only thing I really remember is repeating "I hope I still have a job on Monday". Oh and pulling my boob out of my dress.
So I take it the company Christmas dinner went well then...
you should break up with her....give her the gift of reality
I woke up wearing a headband made of condoms. It was supposed to be a crown for the "prettiest fag hag" award I won last night. There is lube in my hair. I'm going back to sleep
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i feel like when you brought up the possibility of you getting pregnant the sexting is over
Dude I'm so clean right now. Like I feel insulted that I can pass a piss test.
I stole an accordion from the bar
Accidentally
I'm having ragrets about stealing the accordion
you hit your head on the sneeze guard and passed out at Pizza Hut they called the police
holy shit! you were walking down a hill and just happened to be passing a trash can like 4 ft away and projectile vomited over a fence into the trash can. kept walking and drank a beer.
Somehow my life has turned in to drug deals at the bar, and illegally camping on a mountain because I have no where else to live.
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