Drawing on your hand and calling it yenifer lopez doesn't count!
he's 24. he finally texted me instead of using facebook chat. baby steps.
a strip club that doesn't allow touching or asking for sex... whats the point?
unless her vagina can tell me my horoscope in sign language, I'm not going.
my stepmom is let-the-dog-eat-out-of-her-mouth drunk. oh my god.
I'm sober in pajamas at a bar. Nothing is ok about that statement.
Like, he's a nice guy. But he's better at fingering than he is at speaking.
Not great. "Leave the toilet seat down, it gives me somewhere to rest my face."
Can I use your baby to go shoplifting?
All I'm saying is the next time I see him naked, there better be something in it for me that doesn't end in bailing him out of jail.
I'm sorry you caught us fucking in your bathroom. If it makes you feel any better when I tried to put my pants back on I dropped them in the toilet.
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
I think I just found my soul mate...he's wearing a zebra striped onesie and is into Michael Jackson...I'll explain in the morning.
I cannot take an uber back in my costume...can you please come get me?
whoevers yellow car is in your driveway right now... i plan to steal. just an FYI
Stopping for a booty call on the way to a lunch date... Bad form?
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