I am slurping my drink like I am going to the electric chair
Hey look on the bright side if youre preg at least you know it and wont have it in a toilet
So she started giving everyone lap dances, and i was like "i think i like this chick"
he suggested i make a website called "cum on molly's face", to "start off my acting career"
So we walked by this chick's house and she starts yelling at her boyfriend "STOP HITTING ME WITH YOUR DICK"
She rolled a blunt with one hand...and instantly I had a boner, I'm going to marry this girl.
Seriously... There's something wrong here. I'm drinking vodka to mask the smell of chocolate on my breath before I get home and he finds out. I fucking hate couple dieting...
You didn't want to have sex last night because you said your grandpa just died and you didn't want him watching..
i wish i had a super power and that that super power was shooting out mdma from my fingertips or something
When he came downstairs he looked at me like I was attempting to rob his house.
Did you reintroduce yourself?
He threatened to call the cops.
my professor saw me buying beer for the super bowl and said go patriots. thats how i know im getting an A in his class.
Everyone was in the walk-in getting high, and I had to be all cool. Serving soup and salads. Night manager status doesn't pay enough.
Pretty sure I was impersonating Rihanna when I kept asking him what my name was while we were making out
I appear to have wine on my toes. I am really not clear as to how this happened. I'm gonna have a little lie down.
Those people that talk about exercise endorphins have never experienced a 9x13 pan of mac n cheese endorphins
Randomize
