I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
marching band practice is quite the interesting soundtrack to sex
after we had sex last night he told me he smelled like my vagina. and then he said that if his roommate had a vagina he would probably smell like it. because "they hug weird and shit."
We took up a collection and paid her $50 to eat a piece of meat. Vegetarian morals trumped once again by cash.
screw it, I'll just be a stripper until next August when then are looking for suitable teachers to teach the future of America. it's like a feel good movie just a little out of order and im a dude.
I don't know if I should be scared or excited that I can officially drink vodka on the rocks like it's 7up.
Nobody is stopping the marines from drinking in class on veterans day. They literally brought a cooler with a bottle of whiskey and vodka on ice. And are passing out red cups to anyone interested. Staying in Vegas for college has officialy become an A+ decision
Just wanted to say a big ole FUCK YOU for coming out to mom the day before I have to drive with her for 6 hours. Ass hat.
I guess "Ass Fun Friday" is not a thing no matter how many times I say it or bring it up in conversation...
What, I can't laugh at my sister being driven crazy by Facebook randomly assigning chat significance to the guy she lost her virginity to?
I told her we had to stay at the bar until at least midnight because that's when my direct deposit hit, don't tell me i'm not responsible
Hey I'm at the gym and I need your personal trainer help. Also can you send me that picture of me eating a sausage. I want to post it on instgram.
I smell like cotton candy and guilt.
getting my period the day i moved was my bodies way of saying 'congratulations youre not leaving town with anybodies babies!'
I can't take 'get a man' advice from you. You'll stick your penis in a warm banana peel.
Randomize
