My student's should feel privledged to see me tuesday after the amount of alcohol I consumed this weekend.
Its midnight, he's burning water on the stove and keeps yelling at me and telling me not to burn myself.
Apologies for hacking your facebook and posting that picture of you passed out hooked up to the IV...but we were sat with you on the ER floor for 3 hours, it got boring
I just sent her mug shot out in a mass text because I hate her and her cocaine eyes are hilarious.
We convinced the Dj to let us play musical chairs...... I won by the way.
I have vodka soaked strawberries. My latest tarot card reading hinted at a lesbian/bisexual coming out. I doubt I survive the night.
I want you to come over here and spit coffee in my mouth like a momma bird feeding a baby bird. That hung over.
Turns out the old man beside me in the waiting room was dead, but other then that it was a good day.
I just imagined you going baby-crazy and trying to shove him up into your uterus. Yes, I'm aware he's 7 years old.
She took a six hour road trip with me so I could have revenge sex with my ex's brother. That is the definition of a best friend.
Just woke up to find that I'd left a stove burner on for the past 6 hours or so. I'm now banned from Ambien cooking.
The power of the half flaccid cock, and to think, I thought I was just playing accordion in front of her Vagina!
His parents came home, and now I'm hiding in a closet; awaiting death at dawn.
You are always hiding in a closet though??
And somehow i feel like your expectations will turn out to be illegal in some way.
Unless your name is actually "Ticfj" like my phone says, I have no idea who you are...
Randomize
