Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
i'm like carrie bradshaw but prettier and with a penis
i lose more brain cells when ever she opens her mouth then i would doing meth for 8 years of my life.
I woke up next to her will a oven mit taped to my cock. Dear god, I might have tried to use it as a condom.
while i was sleeping he changed my screen saver to his dick with a heart frame around it. I just might be falling in love.
I woke up to him pissing in their fireplace with fairy wings on.
As i was walking home this morning some old lady was walking her dog and i said hello to her as our paths in life met, then i proceeded to puke in someones front yard and never looked back
Cry into your wine glass and then drink the tears, it's like the fountain of youth
THERE ARE SO MANY ALCOHOLS IN MY BLOOD RIGHT NOW
it's like his dick is making a u-turn.
That moment when you see yourself in a security camera feed and realize you forgot a bra. And pants.
Do you ever get high and look at your cat and feel like you know them on an intellectual level?
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
we found her. shes in the bathtub full of raw pasta. i dont even know...
Randomize
