In the airport and just saw a little boy put his head in his mother's crotch... I guess he took a whiff because he backed up and said loudly, "mommy your pee-pee is stinky!"
I basing my decision on whether or not to date someone on whether I could imagine having sex with them sober
i just ran into my boss at the liquor store. we didnt exchange words, just nodded in mutual understanding.
They're watching TV in bed. The Golden Girls to be exact. Aaaand I just heard them singing along with the theme song. I love living with gays.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
We're gonna have the chick that teaches kindergarteners to fold origami roll the joints.
Status Uddate: I lost half a tooth and Alison is taking Amy Grant requests via bullhorn
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
It's just weird. It's like Big Bird dating Meg Griffin.
I accidentally walked in the wrong house but I somehow left with a chicken leg. Good fucking night.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My cell phone fell out of my shirt pocket while tying my shoe on an escalator....which was followed by me being accused of trying to sneak an upskirt photo and being violently shoved down the top of the escalator. How's YOUR day?
When I die, I want you to spread my ashes at a Cracker Barrel.
If I got everything I wanted in the world, I would have been forcing soup down your throat hours ago
the only things my left hand does: catch/hold things and masturbation.
On a scale of 1-10 I’m at biblical violence
Should I give the penis ring toss game to good will or garbage
Randomize