Just had to open a tuna can with a spoon. Gave me a sense of hunting for my own food.
he made me salute his american flag boxers before i took them off
closing bar tabs have helped me with simple math in college.
I'm at McDonalds and when I walked up to the register the guy said "I'm so sorry." Before I said a word. That's how bad my hangover is.
I just wanted to let you know that this afternoon I took a piss at the same toliet you drank out of on New Years Eve.
someone made her a trophy at 4 in the morning and presented it to her in the bathtub
I specifically found a fat girl to lift me up on her shoulders.\n\nIt was glorious.
I bought everclear. Bring your party pants and some addies
You're not gonna punch me in the face again are you?
Starting St Patrick's Weekend, non stop flights on Pacific Whorelines to the scenic HotMessXpress. Get the cougars ready, it's gonna get weird.
I think I was the only one who knew you were acting like you weren't drunk in public issues discussion this morning. Make sure you thank me in your Academy Award Speech someday.
took over 12 bombs tonight and we still aren't hooking up. Wait how am I functioning
just really comprehended the fact that I'm getting high at the same place I used to play as a child. the nostalgia and thc is mixing together in one, intense wave. WHO HAVE I BECOME
You looked at me, said I was a nice guy. Then you drunkenly climbed on top of me and said you liked me and wanted me.
You've slept with someone mentioned in the NY Times, that officially makes you the most famous person I know.
It's all fun and games until your mom recognizes your bootycall from 2018 as her attorney
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