She asked to borrow my chapstick then said "I promise I won't get herpes on it"
Blew in her face. She is Pissed. Yahtzee. As she brushes her teeth.
they were just spraying pledge on themselves and calling it lemon cologne.
sober me hid the cigs from drunk me. sober me is a tricky bitch.
She's gonna be fat in the future. On a side note I had a "It's not you, it's me." conversation with a bottle of jack last night.
Correct me if I'm wrong but the photo album titles "cause I've been drankin" and "baby jessica" should not belong to the same person.
I don't understand but I fell asleep naked holding a tub of cool whip and a boiled egg
and she just brought her bike into the shower with her
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
You called me your momma bear, and then demanded more vodka
Did you really just reference your penis in a pep talk? I think I may love you more now.
Earlier today I was eating cookie dough from a tube, now I'm laying naked next to a hot guy watching Pawn Stars in between orgasms. You really can have it all.
Are you going to regret this?
No I do t think so
Ok then he can enter the holy dorm temple.
Oh and people at work think i got knocked up so my gay roomie is claiming it as his lol
My father has a definite type: blonde, busty, 18-22. It was awkward when I was in college, but now I'm over it. I play wingman for him and he buys me expensive purses for the assistance in getting him hooked up with girls younger than me. Win-win.
Randomize
