you keep denying me to hang out, should i take a hint?
you keep asking me after midnight, should i take a hint?
my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
walked into the kitchen nd asked my mom what smells like tuna she replies" your sister" now i cant eat tuna...EVER!!!
I just jerked off and used a stopwatch to track my results. Pretty depressing on multiple fronts.
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There is a keg full of gin. THERE SHOULD NEVER EVER BE A KEG FULL OF GIN.
We tried to break her futon, I crushed my balls instead. You have one less reason to be jealous that my balls are insanely huge and yours are not.
Just blew my age on the breathalyzer. I also have 8 stitches in my head. So worth a .22 though. All time record.
is it mean that i live tweeted about whether or not my roommate and her bf were having sex or were wrestling?
Not to mention I think lunch is a little inappropriate when our relationship is only based on Mario kart and alcohol so far...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Thank you <3 he just looked at me, fist bumped me, and asked me what was on my titty....we may cut her off
My brother really should've known better than to make me go egg hunting with his daughter when I was entirely too drunk to do so. Threw up in a plant in front of her.
Can I drink yet?
It's Monday morning.
Your point?
I wanted to waterboard myself with beer, but no one would give me their shirt to do it.
We got cut off at the bar, but it's okay because I tactically rolled behind the bar and grabbed a bottle of whiskey. Meet me in the back booth when you're done puking in the bathroom. This is about to get real slutty.
I got really worried when i woke up and there weren't any missed booty calls from him between 3 and 5 am. Apparently his gf is in town ...
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