Oh please, I could turn a Vienna Boys Choir concert into a shit show
Planet Earth isn't gonna get stoned and watch itself.
Microwave minutes are longer than normal minutes.
before you smothered your pizza in mayo you blotted it with a napkin saying you were trying to watch your fat intake
I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
Well my sources tell me she just happens to appear in an episode girls gone wild.
I know someone that will spend hours looking for her. He also has many of said movies. And I will do it for free!
Looked like a bag of smashed assholes and smelt like a brewery - still got morning sex. Marriage rules sometimes!
Hey can you send me a copy of my mugshot? I need it to prove a point
There's no discreet way to sneak a cucumber into the shower lol
We need to stop going on dates to the strip club.
Ugh, once again I had to block the view of him peeing off the hotel bar balcony, I earned those free drinks!
Apparently I was telling them, "I AM A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN AND I DON'T NEED YOU TO HOLD MY HAIR," and I pulled my hair back and puked.
we're so committed to being not committed
dude you pointed at my dad's crotch and said I'd tap that. I didn't even know you were gay.
I wanted to give everyone gifts as they left the house... So when your wondering where most of the christmas ornaments are I'm really sorry.
Randomize
