she gave me a schnouzer then wanted to kiss while we were having sex...i had to puppy slap her nose. pick me up out front.
just found out my sister was breast fed and i was not...pretty upset about that.
In all seriousness...vodka, almond milk and chocolate syrup make a decent white russian.
I'm also 95% sure I had a conversation with someone on how hard it would be to jerk off with out opposable thumbs
Yay for living on the edge. I'm trying this new thing where I stop mom-arming people and promote bad decisions. It's working quite well.
Technically my penis started a fight tonight
It's been so long that I've occasionally forgotten I own a vagina
Drinking vodka and pirating music in the library. Welcome to finals week.
You'd think the neighbors would be used to grown men coming into my house drunk at 230 am.
Chilling on my porch debating between pre work drinking or video games and getting high.
Because I'm a hot mess throwing up in the litter box
Made my roommate send me tit pics so I could send them to someone because I didn't want to move.
I had to hose off vomit off my driveway at 9 am.....so hot
That awkward moment when you are on your way to ICU and the only sympathy gift you can think of is beer and whiskey
I don't think Buddha would recommend a sexscpade across Mexico
Randomize
