if being creepy is wrong, then i don't want to be right
He just spent five minutes trying to sling shot a cheese-it off his dick and into my mouth.
Hey its bob the builder. Where did you go?
I walked into the bathroom and the toilet was on fire... I stood there for like a minute trying to decide whether I should put it out or get my camera.
i checked my sent messages this morning and i had apparently tried to text the bar, saying "idk what i drank, do you?"
I can blatently call girls sluts here and they think i'm speaking norwegian
fine. I googled it. you have to eat 5 to die so apparently I'm in the clear.
he slipped a picture of a kangaroo under my door that said "im sorry" on the back and passed out on my lawn.. who the fuck is this kid?
i got up, ate a McDouble, then went straight back to bed.
You sure know how to make a day worth living.
I built a fence. For the bunnies we're going to adopt. I'll fill you in when you get home.
So I just crossed my legs and I was like what is this lump on my leg? Oooh its my underwear from last time I wore these jeans...
be right there i have to get my cape
The quality of my porn watching experience has significantly declined. Thanks shattered iphone screen
It's one am and you're asking me if you should buy a plane ticket for a booty call.
In other news, my ex fuck buddy is a surprisingly good wingman.
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