im in a kiddie pool, high, with a keg in arms reach. If i had a sandwich and a blowjob this would be the best day ever
Just kicked a guy in his penis in order to win a dance contest on Bourbon....desperate.
should i be impressed or disgusted that i was spitting glow-in-the-dark?
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
Just traded the drive-through guy at BK a Dos Equis for a Hershey pie before noon... win?
Well when I got home you were sitting at the table eating cold, leftover taco meat. I'd say you were pretty far gone by that time.
It was super embarrassing when I had to tell my brother, in front of my mother, that my wifi password was Drinkupbitches. Thanks for providing that lovely family moment.
Apparently I missed the "You may have to jack off a horse" part of the application.
He was stoned and starts screaming, "I ain't got but a dollar, I wanna hear waterfalls!". Maybe he can hang with us....
Worst date ever. Bro she asked when we can start having kids because her clock was ticking.
Run dude. Just run
I don't want the fire department to come out here twice in one weekend because of your god damn vape.
I'm not gonna swipe right, he has better hair than me. Just no.
Im sober enough to understand what people are saying but drunk enough to understand its hilarious
You know when you're a kid and you play at the pool until you passed out? It was like that except instead of playing it was sex.
You think my vibrator will be okay in the dishwasher?
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