I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
can you please tell me why I'm bleeding so heavily from my ass and all my makeup is gone?
Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
I just saw a Puerto Rican child between the ages of 8 and 11 with a faint mustache talking very loudly on the bluetooth in his ear about how "Skittles are played the fuck out"
Woke up in 100% not my clothes this morning. Third time this month. Fuck. Tequila.
So am i just your go-to 'i found a tick on my penis' number?
Don't blame me for eating all the ham.. I gave it out to people, so at most I'm guilty of ham distribution
You obviously dont comprehend the level of insane i operate at
At one point I was giving him a handjob and I started singing Call Me Maybe
No, just kidding. But your faith in me to throw a lesbian bridal shower makes me think I an pull it off. To the LGBT bar!
The uberlube is also flammable
doctors was a success... no liver damage and I lost five pounds.. we're celebrating tonight you get the whiskey I'll get the burritos.
We fired a shoe out of a medieval cannon. I know not where we got either one.
Stealing, and booze. If only you added meaningless sex with random people you would have wrapped all your life passions together
It's like the hunger games, but we're gonna bone each other instead of kill each other
Randomize
