Do you think this abandoned cigarette has herpes? cuz I'm tempted.
i just discovered how you can fold down the cardboard sleeve on a hot pocket. Life just got a whole lot easier.
She was wasted. Kept yelling "what if I'm pregnant" and trying to push me into the tree. First and last time I bring a girl to my family christmas party.
Just want you to know I am def drunk enough to burn down your house. Don't worry I checked the stove like 6 times. I love grilled cheese
My neighbour is taking her hamster for a walk on a leash. Come over now
Dude, I had no choice. I was defending my genitals.
I've been laying here all day wondering why my back hurt so bad and then I remembered last night.... When you pushed me through that glass table.
you stole two subs and a drink from jimmy johns and walked out yelling "get at me bitches"
Going to the bathroom drunk while wearing overalls is such a struggle
YOU CANT FOOL THE TOILET
How do you tell a woman that you are seeing that the scars on your back are from her awesome-in-bed little sister?
man sorry about that. It's like god was willing me to be an asshole. I haven't filled my quota for the day
I just want my kids to know I fucked some really hot dudes before their father.
You're going to scar your kids
Jack and I got in a huge fight at 6am. He fell asleep when I was giving him head so I freaked. We were both black out so I made a memo in my phone reminding me
I don’t care how cute or big a guy is I’m done with drunken hand jobs. It was like I was pulling a nine inch bungee cord for 25 minutes. Now My arm and shoulder is dead
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