Cant decide who was more of a mess the morning after... me when i passed out in the bathroom stall or you when you sprayed yourself down with hairspray thinking it was sunblock
I have never made a good decision in that bathroom...
Your lower body and my face have had way too much contact lately.
Thank God I didn't lose my virginity to that asshole. That woulda been like winnin a raffle ticket for a free bag of dog shit. But with like a really pretty bag. A pretty bag full of dog shit.
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I can't believe you big bird do not remember battling a shark last night it turned into a Pokemon battle and big bird over powered the shark
Drunk me obviously wants to fuck up my life
It's like I have an arch nemesis, and it's me
my balls were so many shades of blue last night I could have used them as paint and replicated the entirety of Picaso's blue period. The girl was an art major I feel like this metaphor is appropriate.
got a blowjob in the bar bathroom, got arrested for public intoxication, and found a big bag of weed on the ground on my walk home from the station. my friday night could have been a movie
i found waldo and immediately set him to work eating me out. please have more out of season costume parties.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I was so ripped I had a natty light box over my head carrying a spray bottle out in the streets trying to give car washes.
I was so high I watched a 5 minute video of different scenes of horses running. The music was magical.
Do you know how close I got to throwing him over the edge of the canyon?
You texted him 17 times. Asking for him back and sending random pictures of Jimmy Buffett. He didn't answer.
If you wanna fuck the pudding, fuck the pudding. Just not the chocolate, Im gonna eat that.
What time is our conjugal visit?
Umm...who is this?
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