Hi Jason, it's Liz. We dont need you to pick us up anymore. I dont care if you will be here in a milisecond. And you should know im wearing really amazing shoes.
i fucked some guy last night. i called him nick jonas by mistake. i'm 24.
And then he said "I can't get blown while Gordon Bombay and Mr. Holland stare at me from the TV"
I'm missing some hair, but it's cool. Breadsticks are done.
Bright side: maybe hell start being nice to you now that you know he has erectile dysfunction.
He crawled over to me grabbed my boob asked me if I liked cats and then passed out. If that's really my RA, it's gonna be a long year
I don't know if this whole sobriety thing is going to work out... It's only been 3 days and I want to chug vodka
This day sucks. I just wanna play ostrich and bury my head in your boobs.
What are your plans?
Get picked up. Convince you to leave work. Smoke. Drink. Fly helicopters.
Do I lose at life if I cry in a grocery store while buying a pregnancy test?
So I can confidently say that I'm the only 3rd year engineering student who completed all 4 of their exams with One Direction pens
He follows more cats on Instagram then he does girls.. That's how you know your boyfriend is whipped.
Riddle me this: How does one check in at the Marriott, but wake up at the W?
You spent the entire night trying to catch pigeons and hugged a homeless guy and then gave him a pregnancy test.
I’d say they were worth it. He screamed “your tits are fanfuckingtastic!”while he was cumming
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