At some point I made a semi-conscious decision that i was okay with sleeping in my own vomit.
so I finished the entire bottle...next thing I know, it's 8 am and I wake up on the fucking beach in the low tide with a family standing about 30 feet from me just staring.
Dude dan is so baked he taped his remote to the futon so he couldn't lose it again. Come over here
Poopin on the sidewaaalllkkk. I wish my text told you that was a song
ive got a scarf tied around my face holding bags of hashbrowns to it, im too boss to care
Dont worry bro, i'll be the designated kayaker. I wouldnt want u to be drinking and kayaking.
You gave your boss a bj to get the safe employee of the month award?
So, when I got arrested, they fingerprinted me. I'm getting my nails done right now and I'm pretty sure he's filing off my prints. Worth the $30.
there are no losers in shot checkers. only winners.
It must have been good head...he put down the Xbox controller
You think your roommate is bad? The guy they paired me with is such a nerd, his very presence at a party blocks every cock in the room.
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
I just want to get drunk and not have to worry about you leaving me at the bar.
Yea...Let's just say I gave her the best 3 and half minutes of her life then she took a 40 minute cab ride home that she paid for...
I just told the bartender to “give me something that will murder me”
Randomize
