The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
It was only 12:11 and I needed to make a Pepto Latte and call it a night, I don't remember that being part of my new years resolution.
Why is my drynk life bleeding into my real life
First time on E and Chris took me to a petsmart during puppy day. I might die of pure awesomeness.
As if right now I am a humanitarian. Full story to come in the morning. It involves sex.
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
He is dust bro dust in the wind I waited in this unlocked car long enough.
It is officially Christmas time in Chicago. There's a drunk hobo on the CTA singing the first 2 lines of Frosty the Snowman over and over and over.
Its alot like that time you got motorboated by the carni at the rodeo.
Ryan Reynolds is on sesame street right now. Dressed as a letter A but still sexy as fuck. PBS is so considerate of the stay at home mom.
No amount of beer will make me feel better about this. It's time for Emergency Whisky
Stay away a while longer.
Still not sure if they're cops or strippers.
My puke in the shower morning just turned into a puke in the restroom at work afternoon. I'm the human embodiment of dumpster fire.
Did I tell you he put a lobster carcass on his dick?
I’ve lost count of how many disciplines of science this conversation about Harry Potter has gone through.
Randomize
