69 is so not fun when his penis is sporting a 70s hairstyle
I glued a penny on the door Tricia believes its Patrick Swayze haunting our apartment. Fuckin potheads.
and you think what you did last night was bad? at least you didnt go wake up a sleeping guy for birthday sex.
he turned two sober chicks into 7 drunken girls...he's my hero
Thank God I didn't lose my virginity to that asshole. That woulda been like winnin a raffle ticket for a free bag of dog shit. But with like a really pretty bag. A pretty bag full of dog shit.
This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
Hey I'm not sure why your jacket's covered in maple syrup but I just realized you didn't leave the house earlier wearing a jacket...
Favor? Can you not wear as much glitter on your face this time? Walking in the house looking like a disco ball was enough embarrassment for the week 😒
who's idea was it to start the NCAA tournament less than a week after St. Patrick's day? My liver needs time to recover for things like this.
Dude come to her party. Someone just took a body shot of rubbing alcohol
After fooling around at the hotel til dawn, I managed to feed her with my free buffet passes. Tastes like sweet victory.
I just smoked weed with my physics professor. Tell me how my life is this.
You informed me your place was now a nudist colony and unless I was there to drink schnapps with the cat I had to strip.
He brought me flowers and then spanked me with a Doctor Who paddle. Pretty good night, as these things go.
Awwwwwww!
I just took a shot before my midterm. Gotta keep things in perspective.
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