So he ended up having sex with me, but it was so awkward. When it was over, he went to the bathroom, and he came back and asked, "are you on your period or something? there's blood on my dick..." and i said, "well it was supposed to start today, nice surprise...i am so embarrassed." and he said ,"it's better than you queefing." and as soon as he said that, i queef the hardest and loudest i ever had.
I miss seeing your mom and dad at church, well mostly just your mom... She used to hug my face into her boobs.
Wearing the BK Crown on the throne while dropping the kids off at the pool? Yes, one of my life's goals. Win
Good lord, they've set up every firework to be ignited by a trail of gasoline at midnight. God save us all.
Funny. I made out with his brother for the first time in a bathroom too.
He compliments me like a gay guy and fucks me like a starved nympho. I'm in love.
How many weeks is it acceptable until I can start bringing freshman back?
She's currently celebrating her completion of "Sober October" with "Margarita Shit-Show November."
You kept apologizing for not offering me some of your Whisky, which you referred to as "Jesus Nectar".
Someone at all my grapes... if it was you or one of your hoodrat friends I swear to god I'll shit in your shampoo
My g-ma saw your dick-pic and wants you to know I've got a keeper. She says her big whopper died in Korea. Good thing g-pa is still asleep.
Why am I sticky / covered in baby Tylonel?
I'm glad our friendship can withstand laughing mid-blowjob during the diarrhea scene in Dumb & Dumber.
I guess I was running around slapping people in the face with a slice of turkey telling them that the only way to beat alcohol addiction is to go cold turkey.
This is like the fourth time this month I've woken up hungover in someone's backyard
Randomize
