I met the friendliest cop last night
found a new level of pathetic. i watched a guy pick out cigarette butts from a jar that weren't completely finished. make sure you go somewhere in life.
I thought it couldn't get worse until she said "Nipple hair"
Dude someone is playing the piano in the other room while I shit and it's making it really peaceful
You gave me balls I gave you half a boob. Fair trade
All I could think when I saw it was, "All right, Vagina, only one of us is getting out of this alive."
I messaged him asking for his address. He replied with the address then said, "If you're gonna stalk me, I'm the third window on the side and usually get naked around 8am and anytime randomly after 6pm (listen for music).. If you're sending anthrax, I'm 6'2" 225lbs so send a good amount."
The guy I blew last night was pierced in multiple places. I had to use extra caution to avoid my temporary filling.
yeah, never be friends with someone with shitty eyebrows.. they obviously already make poor life choices
This is why we can never be together. Well that and we r married to other ppl but that's very minor detail compared to the coffee issue
I don't care. She's the only girl to make me feel like my face is melting when she blows me.
You drunk? Cause I have a terrible idea...
Yeah, sorry about that. Dropped the phone on my face while I was watching porn.
I looked like a tiger in heat. He didn't know if I wanted to fuck him or eat him.
If I die tonight, you and your brother can split my money evenly for college only.
all $38?
Randomize
