Breaking personal boundaries is my trademark
i cant text you anymore tonight, God gave me two hands for two cups
5am is far to early to be on jagerbomb number 6 right now
Now that there's no chance of him coming over to fuck anymore, I'm going to put up a one-person tent in my bedroom and live in it. My bed reminds me of him.
So ive narrowed my options down to getting food or masturbating. Don't judge me
THERE IS A GOAT THERE IS A GOAT IN MY BED IT IS EATING MY THONG WHAT DID YOU DO
I have a new favorite bar game. It's called, get dressed up and go drinking alone then make up random stories of why you are alone to look less like an alc
That accounts for only three of the penises
OHMYGOD I LITERALLY JUST FINISHED JERKING OFF AND MY MOM BUSTS IN AND HANDS ME A BABY WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON IN MY HOUSE JESUS H CHRIST!
Turns out he has a 6pack too. Alright adorable snapchatting manwhore dude, you win.
I was drunk while I accepted my job offer. Here's to growing up.
Got to work this morning and thought... Did I really dance on that pole last night
Okay well for one he didn't speak any english but before any happened he made me use the translator to consent
If I could I'd magically teleport drugs and alcohol to you. Like a bad decision fairy.
Finally fucked my buddy's mom!! We are both ten years older and for her it really shows but i hit it!!
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