I hate seeing commercials about babies when i'm high
Yeah, I don't like babies at all
You ran away and I found you three blocks later lying by a dumpster because "that's where your life belongs"
I need to figure out what I wanna do with my life.
There are margaritas in the freezer still.
found out the liquor store price matches. thus begins senior year of college
I think a used vibrator from amazon.com is a great valentines day gift foe my ex.
we woke up to him feeding us cheetos at 3am. and by feeding i mean shoving them in our mouths and saying "i mean who doesn't like cheetos"
I am nonfunctional stoned. I had to ask ben to put me somewhere away from all the people I'm sitting on someones bed watching a wall. Not alright. Should not have come.
I'm gonna go drown myself in the shower. Make sure to cover me up before the paramedics arrive. I'm too fat to be seen naked right now.
Umm, ya, half our class is sitting in starbucks passing around flasks. Yes, flasks. Plural. Going to join them, we're all giving oral presentations in 20. Go hard or go home.
five cans of playdoh and a game of guess whose penis ...
Had mirculous sex while watching miracle. Until she got mad that I kept quoting the movie. Not my fault I'm a good multi-tasker
Do you believe in miracles?
i just want a position where we can lock up like some sort of sexual megatron and go the whole night that way
What kind of terrible faithless God would allow vodka and one ply toilet paper to coexist?
Something is wrong here. The birds are chirping and I'm not fucking you, I'm not getting head and I don't smell bacon. Why am I up this early then?
its official, you're fucking me on my lunch break. the only thing I want in my mouth is your dick. pick me up at noon.
want fries with that?
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