I give out O-faces like they're halloween candy
I just got a standing ovation when i made it to work on New Years Day. good thing?
Ive been home for 20 minutes and I'm already in bed with a vodka tonic
I just realized. my grades aren't ready for st patties day...
you inspire me to be a worse person
Just saw a huge group of people walk by in there in their underwear. Too stoned for this.
I walked into a McDonalds at 8:30 am with a half-eaten apple and a solo cup. Never felt so judged.
It's gameday bitch. Man up.
This hurricane was the perfect excuse to buy 2 pounds of animal crackers and a case of beer. It's on Sandy.
Carson kissed me on my cold sore before I could stop him so I think I gave my kid herpes. Mom of the year. Just call me MOTY.
You were naked with a chalice of Skittles vodka, singing along to Les Miserables.
I opened my bookbag to put my laptop in and I found two granola bars and a pregnancy test. I am clearly prepared for life
I've been really sick the past 4 days. Last night, I actually turned down a bj. I may be dying.
It's not even 7 yet. She's singing you are my sunshine to the smirnoff bottle.
I am a unicorn in a field of flowers, you asshole.
His dog hid my thong. Let me tell you, the last thing you want during a commando mini skirt walk of shame is lots of wind. There’s a church congregation that knows all my business
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