her dad's the mattress king, she's genetically engineered to be good in bed
I just puked in a penis shaped cake pan. I've hit an all new low for a Tuesday.
Where else am I to apply my creativity?
I don't know. Anywhere productive and not involving sex toys would be a start.
I think throwing up in my her purse is probably why we broke up
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
I feel like somebody took my brain out. Stomped on it with cleats. And then put it back together with a glue stick. Thank you.
Oh shut up man. Once the police get involved its every man for themself.
I've discovered that regular handcuff keys, sadly, do not work on real police handcuffs.
I think I'm just going to up-end a bottle of wine and look through pictures of what my life used to be.
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
classified somewhere between kinky and medically inadvisable
I woke up to a shattered My Little Pony garbage pail, a black eye I don't know how I got and no one will look me in the face. Fuck tequila.
I had mdma, weed, and alcohol in my system. My doctor seems to think that's how I tore my groin.
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
All right well I’m making her sugar cookies and sleeping with her husband tonight. Just another manic Monday
Randomize
