Just spent the last three hours in the library successfully refreshing facebook
how do you say happy birthday to the guy that almost got you pregnant? i cant just write the same thing as last year.
Going to the hospital for stitches on my balls. Mom walked in on me manscaping with an electric razor. Tell NOBODY.
Be still, my beating vagina.
We left around 4am, just after you laid down on your front lawn to take a piss. After 15 mins I said "dude are you still peeing?" you replied "Nope, just laying here with my dick out."
Bring gay.
By that I meant the rum. I just realized that my request made no sense. You always bring gay.
Post-sex nachos deserve a song.
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Wesley from the Princess Bride. I kept telling him what I wanted him to do and all he would say was "as you wish"
I took your mattress from your bed. Don't ask questions. Love you. See ya later.
Halloween is the end of the singles holidays they don't start again until st. Patrick's day we better get wifed up or it's going to be a long winter lol
I LIKE NICE BOXERS OKAY!? COMBINED WITH A GLORIOUS DICK JUST MAKES THIS EVEN BETTER. WE MOVE IN TOGETHER AND THAT PIC'S GETTIN FUCKING FRAMED.
He came to my Harry Potter marathon wearing a Hogwarts uniform. Of course I fucked him.
good news: i got laid. bad news: by your boyfriend
He apologized for cumming on my leg, but not for ghosting me for 3 weeks before :(
I legit just quacked out loud at a duck on campus. Realized after that there were people around me, they looked at me funny...
Randomize
