My e-date is really photogenic. Real-life not so much
There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
and this is why I hate my dad. He got 25x more angry with me when I wanted to drive a different route then he suggested to get to his house (more scenic- thus more enjoyable) then he did when I told him I was driving drunk with 4 people in the car and I got my 5th speeding ticket last night.
I saw your purple underwear in the road this morning.
I wasn't on board with that statement until "home made dinosaurs"
I had a terrible day! The only thing that makes me feel better is knowing Jack Bauers day was worse.
I'm here to help build your repertoire of drunken shenanigans and I should have been arrested stories
We bought home drug tests to see which of us could make it look more like a kaleidoscope. What happened to the days of innocent fun trying to best everyone with a breathalyzer?
Just got home and found him passed out with his ass stuck in a Rubbermaid garbage can. He must have been like that for a few hours
Leave the bottle at home cause either way I'm not taking another shot. You have no idea how long it took me to compose this text free of grammatical error.
Gold star for you, but I'm on my way and the soco is buckled in next to me. This is happening.
It's amazing I mean I blew that senator just for him to deny me marriage.... Politics suck and he swallowed!
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
I asked him to explain what he meant by "hooking up" in paragraph form
It's almost sad. It's like the Harambe of vagina stories really.
Seriously my new passion in life is the girth of his penis
Randomize
