apparently i tried to put my coat in the microwave.
He's married, but his wife isn't my neighbor so I don't feel bad about coveting him.
Listen, I'm 30. If it doesnt involve a super soaker and some chicken wings, you can count me out.
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
I wasn't expecting a boner of this magnitude
He just compared himself to a majestic butterfly in regards to the lack of girlfriends. i don't even know what to say.
while you've been gone this has kinda turned into some sort of fivesome-type thing. just thought i should warn you for when you get back
Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.
We can't bring brittanys dog so we are getting high and getting in my bathtub I think it's pretty safe
The waitress asked if you wanted white or brown, and you said "Isn't it all the same color when it's toasted?". She stared at you for about 20 seconds before she decided that you weren't fucking with her.
On the way out the door to work grabbed the wine glass on the floor left for the ghost of Elijah and chugged it. PASSOVER.
it was just another one of those moments where you unfriendzone a friend you assumed to be gay
I need five more minutes of sobbing.. AND THEN I will get back to studying
I may or may not be setting up an encounter with a foot fetishist just because I'm curious.
I also need to get my life together but instead I just eat spoonfuls of Nutella. We can't win 'em all
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