how's this sound. You, me a box of pink franzia and a night full of possibilities in your basemen. I'll be me. You be you. And we'll see where it goes
Skinny jeans should not be made in size 14. Then, it's just a lie.
We just saw a waitress walk by with a tray of bacardi and whipped cream.
Whoever ordered that deserves a pat on the back and the "classiest customer" award
nothing like celebrating the fact that you're not a father by trying to impregnate other women
I don't care that you fucked her. I'm offended that once again, you fucked someone with me in the room because you assumed I was asleep.
Just found out he cheated on me last night. But its Shark Week so I will deal with it next week.
He either works for the Irish Mob or I'm being Catfished
Most drunken moment of the night is me pouring Chanel no. 5 all over your boobs and rubbing it in...
I spent half an hour sculpting my pubes into a perfect triangle of really short hair, and the first thing he said when he saw it was "Don't you think you need a shave?"
He stole me a cantaloupe and we drunkenly broke into a park and ate it on a bench with my pocket knife. I think i need to marry him
I mean I know I'll get over it by like tonight but ew ew eww. I cannot. Dude I don't even know his name also I threw up on his penis
the roommate is literally cooking green eggs n ham, and I'm too hungover to see straight. Dr Seuss nightmare.
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
Oh shit. My bra is undone and I'm pretty sure I peed on my sandal
I have post one night stand depression
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