there's paper in my vomit.
this is a family affair. You're an embarrassment.
whatever it's not my family
I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
this girl with a french braid down the center of her head won't stop talking about the benefits of the free market. i'm hungover, bloated and haven't slept for 4 days. shut up french braid girl, shut up.
two gay guys came in and bought just a kite and a box of wine. Why cant I have saturday nights that awesome
it would be nice to just get drunk, not hook up with anyone, and not die this weekend
I dont know, my roommate got arrested but I'm gunna get some tacos no matter what
Who's nuvaring is under my pillow?
You invited the cop in for a "Celebrity shot"
I make one hell of a fire on Ambien. Other life choices not so much. But fire. Fire I can do.
No. No. No. No one's allowed to fuck in the yurt.
I am still awake. And let me sing you the song of my people. Ahem. "I have a bottle of hydrocodone and you all can fuck off."
he brought with him gifts of cookie dough and penis. upgrading our relationship from fwb's to bf/gf was an incredibly smart merger.
What's worse having drunken sex with hot married man or breaking the diet one week in?
Apparently his ex was into edging and did it to him so much that it takes forever for him to cum
I hate you and your multiple orgasm sexcapades
Randomize
