I think we need to take a brake
What upsets me the most about that is that you spelt it 'brake'
First thing she said after sex was.. are you baptised by chance?
sorry i'm running a bit late. had to shave my brittney...was looking more like rapunzel. clearly i've been having a drought.
Are you still at the party or did I leave?
He's a waiter, looks 15, and told me he loved me after only talking to me for 30 minutes. I told him I wanted a margarita. We got 3 free pitchers. I may have to make this our regular Wednesday night hangout.
only clue right now is the orange grease all on my clothes. debit card denied so I know something weird went down..
I can't. I will literally throw up my liver
Why dont you be an ebola patient for halloween? You can totally throw up and itll be part of your costume.
Worst case scenario, I put a giant cork in your vagina so you don't give birth before my birthday
TACOBELL COOL RANCH TACOS MARCH 7TH. I think realistically that will be more like valentines day for us. Bc nothing says romance like tacobell.
Looking through last night's sexting, realized one is a haiku..
Would 7 layered rainbow jello shots entice you?
I'm good. We walked you back to my apartment and you demanded to eat the sandwich I made for him
Going to put that on my resume. "Only accidentally snapchatted my titties to all of my friends once."
OK BUT WHO THE FUCK FORGTS A LIVE CHICKEN IN MY HOUSE
He pulled out a Plan B pill and handed it to me as I left like it was a party favor. God Bless America.
Randomize
