when a girl says 'did you just try to kiss me' you should leave the bar. trust me.
i was so high it looked like the chipmunks movements were coordinated to that lady gaga song
On my way home from Vegas. Just realized my pants are inside out
Going to pass out with da shoes on. hugging wallstreet journal from tuesday. please check me for liveliness in the morning.
I'm using my ex boyfriends dog to find a guy at the park I could see fuck buddy potential in. I'm the queen of irony.
Totally just projectile vomited while ridind a bicycle.
I dunno... But she calls vodka "dancing juice"
you can officially check off peeing off the 5th floor while shouting "I want to break the guinness world record for longest piss stream" off your college to do list.
Also, ran into my neighbor across the street. He told me about scheduling his vasectomy. We are officially way beyond the acceptable point for asking his name again.
Can we please start going to the gym before I accidentally kill someone via explosive fat girl pants button accident
I just need some dick and some jimmy johns
I think my pussy is going to freeze to the ground
I can't believe the police had to bring me to my booty call last night
It's the first weekend of the school year and I'm already selling stuff for booze. Need a microwave?
Tell me why I woke up with your dads construction shirt on, nothing else, and had jelly donuts with a note from a girl named cathryn that said "we had a kinky night with peanut butter". p.s. Im by the layin by the lawnmower
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