Stop bringing these fucking whores home with you. If I have to fight over the remote with a bleach blonde idiot wanting to watch the hills reruns one more time I'm pissing in your shampoo.
I think the waitress doesn't beleive I have friends coming. I've had 4 drinks and a large salad just waiting for you guys.
omg. if hes just gonna get mad everytime i have sex with one of his "friends" then it was never gonna work out
The only reason we got away with streaking last time was cuz we had those miner hats
It's titled "A countdown to death. A psychological look at the downward spiral of actress Lindsay Lohan and her inevitable Hollywood demise" This dissertation is genius. Not a single sober moment for either Lindsay or myself. Good stuff!
There are Vine videos that have lasted longer than he did
I told a 250 pound football player I would catch him if he jumped into my arms. And that is how I broke my wrist
Did you just send me an ass picture with a quote from the lion king?
What are you gonna do about it?
Let's try finding a bar where there aren't people who want to hang me from a tree by my nutsack
I don't understand why you're so excited, it's my vagina not yours.
I used an explanation of Walking Marriages in the Mosuo Culture to successfully negotiate an open relationship. That Anthropology degree is finally starting to pay off.
Because you hugged a homeless guy, and I paid him 5 bucks to give us our giraffe balloon animal back. That's why.
I'm not strong. I'm hormonal, sad, lonely, and trying to get laid via tinder
I am officially in a love triangle with my celebrity crush
I POOPED CONFETTI TOO. Ingested unacceptable amount of it oh my god can I die from this?
Randomize
