If you are wondering why there is half eaten pizza in your pocket it's because you were passed out with it in your hand in my bathtub. Today's your b-day and thought I'd give you a good idea about what happened last night as a present
Whore. There is deli meat in my wallet.
We bonded over blowjobs and stories of our childhoods. It was beautiful.
Alright fuck it. Alcoholic Jamie is back and here to stay.
I'm gonna cougar town the shit out of that prom.
I found a half composed text to you this morning and all it said was HELP M. Is that how I ended up at the bottom of the stairwell in only a tee-shirt and one heel?
considering I never received the text I would go with 'yes'.
jake and the teradactyl broke up, operation get high and find him a new girl who hasn't had sexual experiences with three delts simultaniously is in full effect.
I'm gunna send you baby bottles of vodka for those nights when you just give up
I was afraid someone would drug test my pants so you set them on fire.
Like real life can suck my metaphorical dick right now.
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
That's probably when I climbed a tree and told everyone I was an ornament
It threw me off a little. I had to take a moment and ask myself, "Is he really fingering me in his mom's kitchen while I eat a whopper?"
The Game of Thrones convention was just a drunk fuckfest.
Please tell me you banged Jon Snow.
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
Randomize
