the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
you know you made it when your beer pong table is made from imported italian hardwood
There are bud lights poping out of the zipper of my overnight bag and my dildo almost fell out in the elevator. not professional
I'm at Home Depot to get supplies to fix the wall we cracked by fucking too hard against the bookshelf.
No. No, there is no forgiveness for this. The only way I'm forgiving you for this is if you somehow convince your sister to have sex with me. In her car.
almost getting arrested is turning into fucking this cop in his ex wife's lawn. see you tomorrow
That's good. Don't want to see you bellydancing in prison for homemade wine.
Oh dude I know. When something that's supposed stop pregnancies taste like chocolate something's up
Could you imagine living in a city where bartenders are available by 1:30 AM
I'd have like 4 kids by now and at least one std
I'm tempted to randomly yell out 'SO HOW IS YOUR UNDERAGE GIRLFRIEND' but that would be callous
Today would have been my 8th wedding anniversary and I woke up with a hot European guy in my bed. Divorce has it's perks.
I asked him to help me break in the space ship aka my bed.
No. I don't like you. I like your penis. Chin up. At least I like part of you.
woke up to two girls crawling on top of me forcefeeding me bacon. Best. Hangover. Ever.
So I tried to catch a rabbit in Terraria & accidentally blew it up with a grenade made of bees. Monty Python would be proud.
Randomize
