Lets drop out of school and be professionally skinny and drunk
Just threw up at the table during our Father's Day dinner. And I managed to get quite a bit on dad, so that was nice.
i wish there were pregnant emoticons
I have decided to cut my hair. This is based solely on the fact there is too much of it to clean vomit out every Sunday afternoon.
Ive been sitting around naked watching magic on youtube.
I just noticed that my shirt smells like coffee after eating out a Barista
Two penises later: I might be straighter than I think.
Every single person in dollar tree stares at you if you are buying a pregnancy test and wearing a charlie brown costume. Just FYI.
All I know is I was dancing to Shakira in his alley and I think rubbing my junk on his car door.
Hey, you can't rush the perfect creeper shot. I need buffer time to hone my skills.
Well waking up naked, covered in Chex mix is not how I planned to start my Wednesday if that's what you're getting at.
How do u explain to your grandma that your relationship status is hooking up with randoms at a bar
My god imagine how much cum is in that astroturf
I was actually kind of excited. I mean, how many people can say they've been question by the CIA?
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
Randomize
