You're completely useless in the revolution.
she was so hammered she started drinking dishwasher detergent
I dont know whats funnier - that, or that we learned that poison control is closed at 2 AM
I just came to the conclusion that the most depressing part of my day is when I have to put clothes on.
We learned a valuable lesson from last night. You can, in fact, order bacon on a Big Mac.
dude sorry but u no that when a guys 'likes' ur pic on facebook it only means he was just jacking off to it.
apparently you can't crawl through the drive-thru window
i wish you were under my bed. you sexy russian fur trapper.
please. text the right number. youve been sending me these all night.
Its okay I walked into your house, searched for my wallet in your purse, and took a shot of Tequilia all without eye contact, right?
I woke up in the ER. This living like theres no tomorrow really could mean theres no tomorrow.
I just want to hug my vagina but I can't!\nLike, I want to wrap my arms around it and say "I'm sorry"
We thought it was a good idea to send a picture to our HS science teacher where she's smoking a joint and I'm holding a monkey, and he invited us to lunch. NEW LEVEL UNLOCKED.
I can't. I'm not drunk enough for this information.
She has also never texted me first which I think might be a tell-tale sign she wants me to die alone.
You are free to stop by. I promise to keep my penis in my leather pants
Good news my life of crime finally paid off
Last night I recall my hair going up in flames. This is evident by the burnt hair smell that is following me around this morning
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