If I would have known that wiping my dick on her pillow would have caused her to leave........
Roller skating + drunkeness + peeing = mess
if i see another status about New Moon, i'm gonna punch a baby
So I went outside my house this morning and basically my entire front lawn is covered in gummi bears... I think that involves you guys.
I can't cum and do my makeup at the same time.
Found a single cinnamon toast crunch between my butt cheeks. We did work last night
Bathroom attendant appreciated that hug I have him as a tip. Fucking BROKE these days.
As I was throwing up blood I assured concerned onlookers that I had simply "eaten a lot of ketchup today"
There was no eligible dick at the ER. I'm pissed. Looks like "Searching for Strange at the Local Free Clinic" is a no go for the name of our first full length album. On the other hand, I got a dilaudid shot and I no longer feel like I have the worst bladder infection of my life.
We were so hungover we fell asleep in Goodyear waiting for them to fix her car. At 4 in the afternoon on a Sunday. The workers apparently didnt want to vacuum because they didn't want to wake us.
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
I've just never heard the term serendipitous used to describe having one's asshole licked.
Is there a polite/non-lush way to ask how alcohol ranks on their list of priorities? Because like idk how to break the ice furreal.
Because I'm sitting in a bath of my own wisdom and drowning my sorrows in coconut rum
TJ is going to paint me in a Patriots Jersey he can paint you in an eagle jersey. Did this last year and got so much dick.
Randomize
