I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
they just did a mariachi cover of free bird
Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
You were peeing on yourself thinking it was the sprinkler in your yard
theres still like 7 beers in the gutter from the roof party we had last night. i dont know how we got up there. but we need to get those beers down.
You put your shot glass in your waistband and then told me how convinent it was.
Well yes but because of that incident i now salute to truck drivers
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
Still losing my voice, so I am trying to get it back through drugs. Welcome to my Monday logic.
I tried to talk to him, but he didn't recognize me at first. I had to show him the top of my head and then he remembered.
I recommend we watch the Super Bowl together and have celebratory sex if we win. Good news is I don't have a team I dislike so were guaranteed a win.
On Friday, can we drink like its Civil Wars times and the doctor's coming to saw off our gangreen infected legs?
That was awkward , having sex with her while her husband watched via Skype. I'm a porn star or a target. Idk
I think it's important to not involve Bar Food in any near future decisions.
Randomize
