You gave me the wrong number last night so I texted someone else something I definitely shouldn't have.
It's officially time to start saving up weed money for the NCAA tournament
I don't know what it is about vodka that make me ruin relationships.
Little boy scout stared at me with judgmental looks while I bought 3 bottles of liquor but refused to buy popcorn from him
No more Raisinettes before sex. That's what happened. I just put it together
You're telling me you've never sent a picture of your cock to a girl and then were all like "Oops, sorry, wrong person! By the way...You like?"
I think I should just accept my destiny that I'm going to be someone's second wife
My tits sealed my fate
He's just sitting there staring at my sisters teddy bear hoping it will come to life.
She asked if i could guess "what shape her carpet was". I got it wrong (christmas tree).
Just to clarify, I'm still tripping balls
On an unrelated note, I've come up with a theory of everything
He talked for 3 hours straight on how his dad is a dentist how fuck do you think my night was
I was a little curious what "unspeakable" things he could possibly do to my feet
I was totally pumped and so was my beard
Im just drunk enough to admit that I miss Hannah Montana.
I was pretty pissed in the morning when I realized he had fucked the fake tattoo right off my chest.
Randomize
