Drank beer out of a hotwheels bucket all night
Guy passed out in the lobby with a keychain sharpie hanging from his belt loop. 1 guest came in and wrote on him, then others saw and got in line. I'm not waking him up.
I just found out I was conceived in a rehab facility... that's better than finding out your dad could be someone else right?
i think it was just a coincidence but she literally vomited the second she saw my penis.
Good ideas don't start with we have a bottle of vodka..
We gave a starfish gin and Lucky Charms. I think it enjoyed it. Best trip to the beach ever.
We didn't have beer, so we played mini-beer pong with shots and frozen peas.
you inspire me to be a worse person
She texted her brother about how much she loved his hot tub. He responded three days later that he wasn't aware he owned a hot tub.
P.S. I just made up pleasure scepter for the purpose of that last message.
I want a bottle of whiskey to be dropped at my doorstep like a stork drops babies when they are delivered to their parents.
God what have you done to be that much in need of alcohol.
Me WANTS my preciousssssssssss
I immediately retract my statement involving hylecopters being allowed to blow up sharks out of the water.... The idea if it is super incredible but ultimately it would be cruel and unessesary
I told my coworker that I'm going to a dinner party and was asked to bring wine and pregnancy tests and he was like.. I miss being 20
We talked about breaking up, had sex, and in the middle of said sex, talked more about breaking up- best sad day ever
How does the curb feel today?
It's stronger than my elbow. But I found my lighter while I was down there.
Randomize
