Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
I asked her if she was the outdoorsy type, she replied "I had sex on a fourwheeler once, does that count?"
disregard all texts ive sent you minus taco motherfucking bell
not my fault hes the one that tried to cuddle after. said he wanted to spoon away the shame.
When boys buy condoms it makes me feel proud of their mothers for doing a good job
I think making out with someone could be the cure to all my problems. That or more cowbell.
I just want to let it be known that I almost put my phone in the fridge.
She had cheddar bay biscuits in her purse. Biscuits, Id and cash. I'm gonna marry her.
I got my little bro high for the first time... Turns out the two of us stoned together is a mess. We spent 10 minutes trying to communicate with each other using just our eyebrows.
LISTEN TO ME! GAY. FIREFIGHTER. They are the most rare and precious kind of gay. The kind little gays dream of. It needs to happen.
Do I like my job? I just bought 1/2 oz of pot from my supervisor at work. At a discount. And he said, "pay me whenever."
I said that I'm avoiding parties and guys, and the freshman girl just laughed
There is a check pinned to the wall at Connor's. It's a check I wrote for $1,000,000... To you. Clearly you made out well on St. Patrick's day. Thanks for being too shitfaced to remember to grab that.
The CEO is on this whole 'what do you do with your spare time?' kick. Umm... get drunk and have sex in bar parking lots.
Nobody's dick fell into my mouth tonight
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