i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
FYI don't ever, ever get a lap dance from a stripper who says " she's having a bad day " at a bachelor party.
Did the math... it's Magna Cum Laude whether I get a 4.0 or a 0.0 this semester. I'm blacking out now, wake me up when I have to walk across the stage,
All i've had today is coffee and ketchup packets. I need a job like yesterday.
Free tacos and bad night are never used in the same sentence
I got shot at last night. Lesson about married chicks: learned.
Im organizing a group to help fondle my shoe. Too many shots dude. Too many.
I feel like getting drunk at the airport is sort of a rite of passage into adulthood, but maybe i should reserve that occasion for a flight thats not just 1 hr
I've seen you dance and let's just say its a good thing you don't have a small dick
Do you remember the bathroom attendant when he put out his hand for a tip and you gave him a high five?
I woke up knowing I have nowhere to be today except parties and it was glorious and I am so happy
Where the fuck are you? I just got punched in the nose by a tourist
I showed up to a job interview wearing two different shoes. If that's not an omen, I don't know what is.
Wtf is this place? I don't see any alcohol and I feel like we were supposed to bring our own strippers.
I’d clean the kitchen before making food. Mark “rang in the New Year” with some rando in there last night
Randomize
