do u usually make out with people before telling them your name???
i kept saying "bloody hell" in a ron weasley accent until i forcibly told myself to shut up
i think you shook his penis after he was done peeing.
it only takes four glasses of wine for me to ride an elephant with a stranger.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just shaved my vagina. It's been so long I forgot what it looked like. You need to come over right now.
I'm drinking a margarita out of my 'best bj' trophy and it tastes like victory.
His ankle bracelet only gets in the way when I'm trying to take off his pants.
vodka bottle broke. scooping it out of the plastic tub with a shot glass into a sprite bottle using a ziplock bag as a funnel and straining the glass out with paper towels. good thursday night?
On the plus side this hangover is the tipping point that finally convinced my lazy ass to get some sunglasses.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Did you leave a blizzard on my porch last night? Or was that someone else giving out a metaphorical threat to me?
I got eye-fucked by an 80 year old man wearing a cowboy hat while I was singing country. How do you think karaoke went?
He came when Ron Burgundy started playing the jazz flute. How do you think it went?
I just want a teacup pet pig so I can take him to parties with me and never have to walk home alone again.
Quote from doctor, "that is a VERY angry vagina".
I'm fucked.
Oh. My. God. I. Am. Going. To. Punch. Someone. In. The. Face. Immediately.
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