The bar is filled with bros right now. Sucks I had to pay $5 to find that out.
I just had a 2 1/2 hr conversation about the pros and cons of taping your ballsack to your taint, which then led into the unveilling of lady gaga being a hermaphrodite.
To think... Somewhere, too drunk by buckcherry is someone's theme song
I wouldnt consider it a good Wednesday if there wasn't any projectile vomit involved
I think my multiple attempts of taking his life, no matter how unintentional they were, has put a damper on our friendship
ORGASMS AND PIZZA
PIZZA AND ORGASMS
It was really strange. I feel like I had sex with a synchronized swimmer.
I'll just give him your contact info, and you'll somehow manage to get laid. Which will make me feel like your vagina's agent or something.
Let's put it this way, there's not many girls I wouldn't let sit on my face
If I die on my walk home, please come claim the body. There is $30 in my left shoe for you....for pizza
Had a rough day but my boyfriend made that all better by going down on me while letting me watch Top Gear... I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
My neighbor was my D.A.R.E officer and I feel like I've defeated him by smoking weed outside everyday
The night went downhill somewhere between the time I was triple fisting smirnoff and when I was throwing up in the yard in nothing but my bra while he talk to me about mashed potatoes
He ate me out while I stood on his bed drinking a Rainier.
Everything is scary i hate being an adult i hate responsibility tell me a dick joke
Randomize
