Remember that time I came into your room after taking a muscle relaxant and we argued about what state has the longest coastline?
while being fingered today, I was told I have an abnormally deep g-spot. Now you know, I am a size queen because of SCIENCE.
She's making tacos & sangria tonight. I'm sure that's how the pilgrims pregamed.
you told the cab driver to stop being such a pussy because he wouldn't let you shotgun a beer in the backseat
You said my dick was impressive. You thank someone when they say that. My momma raised a gentleman.
He yelled "Go Ducks" while he came
I just had to go dumpster diving, at 3am, in the rain, because I realized that I somehow threw away the brand new package of birth control pills I picked up from the pharmacy this afternoon. So I'm sort of a responsible adult.
I offered the opportunity to grope my boobs for pints. Two girls took me up.
My face feels like a midget just gave birth to quintuplets
If he doesn’t slap your ass with his drumsticks, then I don’t wanna hear about it.
His hair is as curly as mine. It was like watching me go down on myself.
Well, let me first tell you that jack and cokes were ONE FUCKING DOLLAR.. It's like the club wanted me to make poor choices.
So I figured it out. There's two types of shitters. Moaners and grunters. And on occasion there's a third. It's the ill fabled grunt moaner.
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
Divorce can be hard, but look on the bright side. Your soon to be ex raved about your dick and I’m great with hard things ;-)
Randomize
