I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
i decided to cut a 3rd hole in to my snuggie so i could masturbate all the time.. all time low? or genius?
Fell in the ditch running from the pizza guy I stole the pizza from. If you are still at my house come find me, pretty sure I need stitches.
I let a naked juice spill down my leg for like 30 minutes bc i thought i was hallucinating that my leg was cold.
He was all like, "I've prayed every single day just for one more night with you."
Omg just give him a quick handy and walk out.
I came in your room, you looked at me and said "I fucked up" and then some kid showed up and took you to the hospital
doing an easter egg hunt in a liquor store right now. i feel so adult
All I want is to send a text that says "i slept with someone while wearing nothing but purple argyle socks this weekend." But the only person i would send that to is you. But you already know. Because they were your socks.
We fed him just...so many bright colored crayons when he was blacked out. I hope he looks at his shits because this could be all for nothing
My logic for bringing him home was, he's in law school so odds are he wouldn't kill me.
Idk but she keeps giving me s'mores and I'm having a hard time caring about her alcoholism because of it
Security has videotape of her blowing the boss against his car. Don't they know he entire parking lot is under video surveillance?
Well at least I still have a burrito in my pocket.
Did we have sex last night?
No. You laid in my bed and I brought you taco bell.
I gave him a BJ in the shower
I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
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