Almost ran you over in the parking lot. You look good
Can someone please explain to me why I woke up looking like Ziggy Stardust
woke up this morning with pubes superglued to my face, not my pubes
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm making a conscious effort to limit my spending at the bars...i wrote "FOR CAB ONLY" on a $20 last night
If her picture on my phone wasn't mostly of her breasts, I'd never pick up the phone when she calls.
he told me it was like eating gods vagina.
Cooked breakfast with his mom this morning...I'm like the housewife of one night stands
Nhl reached an agreement. I plan on getting me some celebratory sex from a hockey player.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
But how will the next generation learn about life choices without a Jersery Shore?
I just want to have sex that doesn't end like a B-rated horror movie.
So none of you told me my tits were popping out of my shirt for three hours?
We told you. Repeatedly. You said you made it look good.
Did we have sex last night?
No. You laid in my bed and I brought you taco bell.
Is it weird that I have your number saved in my phone as baby Jesus?
Ha! Just garden hosed my vag and thought of you.
Randomize