Dont touch anything! You just got rid of your crabs!
i just walked in on my sister drunkenly sobbing to sarah mclachlan. its time for an intervention.
didn't that happen to you last weekend?
shut up.
im gay
i know
yea but for you.
If it wasnt for meatballs I would have fucking killed myself already.
are you drunk enough to hook up with me yet?
My birth control alarm gets more depressing every night.
Relationship's official after skype sex--college kid at his finest.
dude uncooked spaghetti noodles dipped in thousand island dressing is better than it sounds
He was probably pissed, but i couldn't tell for sure. How pissed can someone really look while holding a fishbowl mimosa?
She ate the cookie then went to the emergency room. Now her fam is pressing charges. Don't people understand you DON'T steal baked goods from potheads??
Just saw a guy I fucked in a clown suit in the bar. It's not Halloween. I have got to start making better life decisions.
I can't wash the smell of tacos off my hands. I feel like the Lady Macbeth of Chipotle.
I tried eating pop-rocks while giving him a bj, I honestly think I was more disappointed with the results than he was.
Just scratched my head and I basically rained glitter.
I just realized how terrible that was... I was drumming on your penis to a song about Baby Jesus.
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