the only difference between me and a prostitute was that i complained a lot more.
I decided that just having that story under my belt and being able to tell it to my grandchildren is worth the regrets of the evening.
She is wearing lilly and pearls while drinking natty from a monogrammed coozie. If that isn't a sorosititue I don't know what is
as my niece was drinking milk out of a crown royal glass i realized i dont think i've ever bought a glass that didnt come with a bottle of liquor....
My dealer's mom died on christmas eve. Is it too soon to see if he's holding?
Lots of alcohol. 3rd graders fuck me now.
Auto correct or actual 3rd graders?
I like how he had to correct himself in stating that I was the fat one in the threesome.
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
"Bring the kids" is the most terrifying 3 words I've ever heard in my life.
I'm so tired of waking up with my bed full of deli meats.
You straddled the banister and fell down the stairs, then proceeded to crawl back up them, I think you need to lay down
Then you jumped in the pool because your were convinced the scratches on your neck from the cat were gills and you could breathe underwater.
I've literally never felt worse
My body feels like its decomposing
I saw a kid peeing outback so I yelled "you have a small pecker, but its ok cuz when life gives you lemons..." and proceeded to throw lemons at him
I am naked in a blanket sprawled on my bed eating a pastry. This is all I want out of life. Ever.
Randomize
